Help Those in Transition Step 4 from our book Caregiver Revolution
Especially in times of ill health circumstances can get completely overwhelming at times. An unexpected situation can appear as a crisis, which, just from the label itself makes it seem to accelerate and appear unsolvable. But we have to step back. Very often crises are transitions, times of change from one stable state to another. If you view them as such, it will help you to stay focused on the details of what is actually happening. By staying present and steady in a crisis situation, you actually change it. Try this affirmation: “I realize that this crisis is a transition. I will stay present during this transition with loving kindness and attention.”
It is said that on a lifeboat filled with overwrought people moving through waves away from a shipwreck if only one person stays calm, the boat will have a much better chance of survival. You can imagine it to be so. If you keep calm, you steady everyone in the boat. Things are going to happen. Stay focused on the details. You can stay present and alert in the lifeboat passing through the stormy seas of transition and you will steady the entire boat with your equanimity.
The Places Of Change
Ancient and traditional cultures, like the Native American and Tibetan, have elegant ways of dealing with crises as cultural traditions. The older cultures recognize that transitions are an integral part of life. They have classified and named certain universal transitions. They have studied them and passed along proven ways of moving through them using ceremony and rituals which have very detailed ways of doing things requiring the participants full attention.
For example, rites of passage for adolescent males to manhood give these individuals clearly defined and healthy ways of dealing with unconscious forces that arise at this time. Directions are very specific, and not only that, they are time honored…ancient. Other transition times are also handled in traditional, relatively formalized ways: weddings, births, family restructuring, transitions into old age, and, of course, death.
In your life you experience many pleasant and not so pleasant transitions between (seemingly) solid and predictable realities. When everything is okay you are not aware of them. Eventually something triggers a crisis and you have to do something or make some choices. How you do this is just as important as what you do. Keep equanimity as your guiding principle, your pole star. If you have a cultural framework, that might help. It will give you prescribed ways to act and guidelines as to how to proceed. But many of us don’t have this. We are outside formal religions or traditions. The number one rule for those of us without a cultural framework is: DON’T PANIC. Don’t make any impulsive sudden moves. If you stay focused on detail, there is a part of you that knows what to do. In this chapter we will help you to understand this. Try not to lose your attention, your good intentions or your equilibrium. You and your loved one will certainly be okay.
Entering The Transitional Space
Though nothing looks small when you are going through it, the “smaller” life crises are precious opportunities where we can “practice” how we will act when faced with larger, more dramatic transitions in our lives.
Bardos (these times of transition) are also opportunities. Because they are periods of transition, each bardo is an opening or gap in our seemingly solid reality, presenting us with the potential to change; to transform our attitude, choose a fresh direction, or, through meditation, to release our grasp on the material world and discover, when we turn inward, the innermost essence of our being, which is unchanging and deathless, our true nature of mind. (Christine Longaker Facing Death and Finding Hope: A Guide to the Emotional and Spiritual Care of the Dying p29)
When you enter someone’s space, whether in crisis or not, the first thing to do is assess the situation. Try to blend with the tone and mood of the room. If you make a conscious effort to do this, you’ll be surprised how much you instantly learn. Try to match the manner, voice, pitch, subject and tone of those who are in the room so there is very little observable difference made by your presence. Don’t make too big a deal about this…don’t make yourself look morose; just fit in seamlessly.
Often we will enter a room where someone is upset, the situation is emotionally charged or there is conflict. Here are some questions that might be helpful at this time, addressed to those in the room as appropriate.
- What do you think is happening right now?
- How does it seem to you?
- If this were happening to you, what would you like to have happen right now?
- Did you talk about what could happen?
- Do you know of anything he would like you to do or say?
- Is there anything that you would like me to do?
- Is there anything you would like to ask or say?
- Is there anything that I can do for you?
This set of questions will draw the attention of the participants away from emotional manifestations to focus on the details of what is actually happening. You (and they) won’t be immune to the emotions, but you’ll be able to stay focused on the questions in spite of what you’re feeling. Let the answers guide your responses. You may find that things are not as bad as they seem. You may hear a hidden message from someone in the room about what he or she really wants. This is not unusual in these situations, so make sure that you listen to the actual answers!
I keep a list of these questions printed up (small and laminated) in my wallet for day to day use. This gives me some direction in a modern day ritual for dealing with crisis.
