RG letter Health Crisis
In the month or 6 weeks leading up to the day I’m about to tell you about, I’d been struggling a lot with my physical health. I’d been in severe pain and unable to eat anything solid. Over the previous week my body had explosively released two massive balls of gallstones mixed with necrotic biliary sludge, which scared me and made me realize that I have no idea exactly what kind of disease I’m really dealing with, no idea how dangerous really.
But when those sludgy stones came out, it felt like waking up out of a long nightmare.
But it also felt like something was broken inside and I realized that E.J. is never joking when he says: “You don’t have as much time left as you think you do …”
That day I was experiencing especially scary symptoms, and it finally dawned on me that I really might be dying, and it could even be that very day, and so I decided to die consciously.
I thought through all my connections with the world, what I owe to others but have not yet repaid, not wanting to leave a big mess behind, make sure the family is OK financially after I’m gone, and what should be done with the magical artifacts and books?
Well, it turns out it’s actually all very simple. 5 simple steps and everything falls into place. I wrote them down as a letter to my wife.
Then I made a few preparations. Cleaned up my room, straightened out my “altar area,” lit my 4 Angels Wishing Candle, seated my avatar in the healing circle at the Ashram. Put on my Lucky Rodney and favorite ammies, added Norton/Gemini/Cosmo St. pennies to the mojo I carry in my pocket. Read a few sections from the ABD and the Handbook for the Recently Deceased. Lay down in bed and listened to How I Raised Myself from the Dead, then I Can Free You.
I realized, I can go now. My accounts with the world are settled. I don’t need the world anymore either, there’s nothing I want that it can give me. And if this is my time to enter Transit, then I must have accomplished my mission here—I’m done. And so I accepted it all as a blessing, with gratitude. Ah, the freedom! And in that freedom, it seemed like I might have passed through some kind of inner gate. I drifted off to sleep while waiting for Death the way I would await a lover.
But I woke up in the morning, apparently still alive and feeling somewhat better. As I write this, several weeks have passed and I still don’t know what kind of disease I’m dealing with, don’t know when Death may come. But now I seem to be at peace with that, and somehow as a result, more at peace with all of it. Maybe a little more grounded, a little more able to gather and tolerate my presence.
