Many conference attendees were mental health professionals specializing in grief work. Dr. May encouraged them to recognize the gift grieving clients offer them in allowing them to share in the sacred sadness of grief. He described most grief as an expression of love. He expressed the view that this aspect of grief contributed to its nature as “holy ground” and as “sacred.”
Dr. May acknowledged the pressures on clinicians working with people experiencing grief, to be efficient and to help people to “get over” and “cope” with grief. He indicated the concern that it was too easy to miss the sacredness of the process which moves from a center of sheer caring for the deceased, from love.
He went on to address four aspects of the spiritual nature of grief. He indicated that he chose four of the many spiritual aspects of grief. The first was that grief is a natural part of life. He said that grief is very close to our humanity and our true selfhood. He spoke of two of the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism: that there is suffering; and that suffering comes from attachment.
The second aspect that Dr. May addressed was related to the beginning in individual lives of a connection with spirituality. Dr. May expressed the view that for many the conscious yearning, the intentional connection with a spiritual life, often begins in grief. The life experience that leads to this connection could be any of several events. It may be the confrontation of the death of a loved one, or it may be related to the relinquishment of something, i.e. an addiction. The event might be something less specific, such as a sense of “the Dark Night of the Soul” (or mid-life crisis) when the realization strikes that what an individual believed would be satisfying about life no longer seems sufficient.
Dr. May indicated that many people do grieve this latter mentioned “loss of a dream.” Dr. May spoke about the point of view of mysticism related to this aspect of grief. He said that beyond the sadness, rage and fury of the “Dark Night,” was the “longing for union or longing for re-union.” He referred to Meister Eckhart. He addressed the view that one aspect of nature was union, and that all love begins in union. He mentioned the aspect of separation of the one who loves from the beloved. He spoke of the creation being a play of divine love cycling between union and separation. As part of his talk related to this point Dr. May also referred to the Tibetan Book of the Dead, and Sogyal Rinpoche’s The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.
The third aspect of grief and spirituality that Dr. May addressed was that grief seems inherent in spiritual life. He spoke of the notion of freedom from attachment. He spoke of the point that to the degree that our energy is bound up in attachment, it is not freed up for “real loving.” He addressed the view that non-attachment was not life denying. Rather, he expressed the view that non-attachment was life affirming. Dr. May expressed the view that in the process of trying to achieve liberation from the bondage of attachment, much grief would be inherently present.
The fourth aspect of spirituality that Dr. May addressed was related to a connection between an individual’s grief and a larger experience. Dr. May spoke of compassion. He spoke of the notion of an individual’s tears becoming connected to ” the Tear’s of God.”
He spoke of the experience of some individuals having a sense of transcendence in their grief. He spoke of many religious traditions having a sense of some sadness being capable of lifting the individual out of their small experience to a sense of participating in the presence of God. The process of grief overflows the personal point of view related to one’s own loss, and connects with the losses of others, and may even have the sense of grieving for the universe. Dr. May described this experience as tapping into the compassion that lies at the heart of creation. He addressed the view that one’s grief is never solely one’s own, and that no one was solely alone in his or her grief.
Dr. May concluded his address, so filled with lofty ideas, with several additional points. He said that spirituality could be a support in grieving. He expressed the view that spirituality does not exist to support our grief, rather, grief exists to help us connect to our spirituality. He spoke of the concept of “letting be” in relation to grief, as opposed to “letting go.” He concluded by encouraging the audience to be gentle and compassionate in their dealings with grieving individuals.
- A Powerful Sense of Community – Tribal people live in an interconnected web.
- World View – A shared world view can strengthen the sense of community.
- The Meaning of Grief – There is an ascribed meaning to the grieving process.
- Marking the Griever – The community is aware of the status of an individual as a grieving person.
Tom described the rituals of the Ylongu people in detail and we saw how the whole fabric of the community responds to the death of one of its members. It is an incredible process which goes on, non-stop, for many days allowing those closest to the deceased to grieve without inhibition. There are many elements to the ceremony and everything is exact. The roles of men and women are strictly proscribed and different. Separate activities take place in separate locations. The use of music and dancing is very specific. All of the elements combine to align the entire community behind the one who is grieving. This is far in advance of the way in which our culture works with grief. We live in a griefophobic culture and we deny death and bereavement. The sign of emotional health is elasticity, being able to laugh and to cry, move back and forth like children, accepting. There are hints that we can find in studying indigenous cultures. We refer you to Tom’s book, Swallowed by the Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing for details of the Ylongu and other rituals.
Tom told stories from different cultures illustrating the necessity of death and the growth that accompanies healing. Death, bereavement, growth, these are all subjects which are treated more effectively in a story format. A story can have completely different meaning from one person to another, each individual will take what he or she needs at that moment. Stories can be revisited time and time again. A story speaks to different parts of the being – not just the intellect.
